Just when i thought ok it could only get better right? I lost what i was most anticipating this month. Physically it feels like i have nothing to look forward anymore. But my mind still wonders and i cant keep myself stagnant i have to make things work no matter how much life throw bricks at me. I wouldnt stop.
Its funny because just yesterday i lost another opportunity im glad i didnt over plan. Today at exactly 9:04am i woke up to loud music.
I cant sleep again. I checked my phone i opened slowly. And there it was the biggest shock.
Vynce yet again deactivated his account. I dont want to waste my time meandering through how i feel before saying it so there. That weights so heavy for me.
I just search this now on google.
9am in philippines is what time on colombia
9:00 AM Saturday, in Philippines is 8:00 PM Friday, in Colombia.
When i saw when hes last active it said it was just one hour ago. So you know what time it is when he deactivated.
The earliest time i spot him going online is when im online at around 6pm it must have been around 4/5 am on them. Pretty early to check on slowly.
Anyways thats just another layer of information from a thousands more that i keep in myself.
I can feel myself going sick this day because of what he did. I dont want to mention this but whenever i feel devastated especially when its connected to someone i feel suicidal i fucking hate myself for that. Cause why would i kill myself for feeling bad because of someones action i have a world of responsibility and to take care off . but why do i feel like that at times when days like these are passing by.
I dont know it mustve been the way i feel. i have no one to hear me. Only i could carry this weight with me. I dont know why i feel so heavy and feel sick, i put my soul in the line again.
Think of spending everyday on slowly even tho there are days i dont want to check the app because i dont expect any letters or feel anything or feel frustrated with what im doing but i push through and still get the energy to check it because vynce is in there. I wanna know whens the last time he was online. Even tho thats the furthest i can go regarding what i can know about him everyday. Its saddening yes because at the same time i never had a concrete proof that it was really vynce. Little evidence supports that it was him, it was only my hunch that is 100% certain.
Imagine thinking he could stay there, were not talking right? im not hurting his feelings by that and beside im online everyday so he'll know that i was there still expecting, still waiting. He didnt open my letter. Beside all of this he hadnt and now he has no chance of opening it due to technical reason or his disposition. Either of the two is preventing him. No way hes going to come back to read it if the system allows him to come back. No way hes gonna let himself do that.
It was funny because i thought i had crafted that letter with precision for him to slowly dissolve his mask. I was accepting, i was forgiving for him. I know it was my fault anyways that hes like that.
I cried.
I thought he could at least stay until december. And we could spend christmas even not talking just being there on the app, or at least me knowing that he was there. Theres no date when hes coming back. It was only a little over a month since he came. Why leave so early. I dont have certain answer but i have few possible reasons in mind but none was conclusive. Every thought hurts eventually turning to self blame.
Now the remaining rational thoughts in my body are gasping for air trying their hardest to get attention but i feel consumed by my emotions this day.
There are times in this day where i want to get back to crying.
It was unusual because most people only cry when something they lost something they truly own. I dont have certainty on anything. Not even the person im crying for. It feels stupid but my emotions doesnt budge it goes on as if even if everything is imaginary this day for it is still devastating. I as the person who enjoyed spending my time with my emotions have no option but to console it.
Looking back, I knew he catalyzed me to write here on the blog. If its not for my emotional inspiration that i got from him i wouldnt have started writing more and wouldnt have thought of documenting my journey that could have been helpful to someone if someone were to read it someday when we finally made it.
Back to the days when I see myself crying at how hard things are turning and how hard i feel back in the day and using old memories when i was calm, happiest, and feel included. That was when i met vynce.
I lost the person who give me the reason to be grateful for everything even with the ache. Never knowing when he'll be back or will he ever be.
He may not know it but he became an integral part of my happiness. I hate to admit.
If he feels worse than when he give me that letter even tho nothing has been moved. I sincerely think its alright that he give himself that break. I wanna cry with him if he ever felt bad deactivating his accounts with a heavy heart.
Someday i hope that we can reach a level of maturity together and be happy that we met through this lifetime. The depth of joy and freedom i felt during our conversations is beyond this world.