I wont over explain i feel that it was you - a blast from the past.
After another attempt and now that i know youve come back or i feel like you do.
I dont know, you know how i talk, i was always like this, writes constant stream-of-consciousness, did you emulate that. The hints, the timing, the stuff that combines to put your profile together, it all feels familiar.
How can it be someone else, it cant possibly be, if it is then you might have a contender, fighting to pull strings in my intense joy in the past and entangling it to your familiarity.
Even for a really short time. I find the connection, the stories, the behaviour, the situation so unique. How could two very different people bond together in such a short period, i read one side of it a lot better and ive always wondered, what is happening with the other person.
How is this dynamic going to work out, what is this serving us, why do i still look for something like it when you basically left without leaving an explanation why. That hurt more than most of what i felt in my lifetime. Especially after some time of reflection. I learnt from my mistakes, i wondered the earth alone, i fought alone, i survived storms alone. During those times, i wondered if i can find someone like you again but no someone like you didnt come nor can i find.
So when a letter so strange, so familiar wording from the bio and interest, and extremely weird timing. I immediately guessed that was you. I hope that was you. But what would i even do even if it was you. Theres a lot of things that i dont know how to say. Should i even say them, i feel like were just two little creatures that dont belong, our situation is far beyond something thats intentional. Or so it seem. How do i even begin what to say if i confirmed that it was you. Should i ask why you left or why you came back or should i ask you more questions. I dont know, if you could just traverse my memories, youll see how much i hold the space i reserved just for you because theres no one worthy enoguh to take that place and yet you leave and im second guessing why am i even giving you that space. Yet i feel sorry for being the person in my memory that i cling to whenever i feel so uncertain, so bad and hopeless or just feel very scared. The way you started talking to me doesnt seem like you have developed any significant deep feelings. I feel joyful when i heard back from you yet scared and shattered with your words.
I remember you said you dont want your emotions to be used against you. Did i violate that? Why would you hide between several accounts and hide your true identity. Why cant you just say sorry you left. I have a lot of questions that id rather keep to myself for now, and i dont really know where this could go, were just two people who find each other on an app and talked, what good justification would i really give to people if i just told them that. The problem with me is i give everything huge significance if theyre novel and somehow makes me feel good for a long time, i dont understand my emotions completely, but one thing i know is i just try to protect myself. Maybe thats what youre also doing. I dont know why we need to be complicated, when again we just met we barely know each other, yet my soul feels like it heard a voice distant and faint, but ever since then it never stopped searching. You made it feel something and look for something that i cant just find with other people. I dont know. I still feel heavy and sad writing this i thought when i let my thoughts out ill get less infested with these thoughts but the more i kept talking the more i want to talk and feel it more intensely and analyze what could it really thats making me feel so attached to this feelings. Im even questioning why i feel. Why do i have this thoughts, what is it really about you that makes you unforgettable.
Do i have to find out today, nope, can i do it this time, maybe?. Maybe i can start right now? So what is it really about you.
Maybe the biggest thing i always remember about you is the way you understood things that i didnt say. I was gay, i didnt go to school properly, maybe you also think i was a lonely soul by the way you talk during our first conversations, you said it yourself you feel like im kind, one reason i was kind was because i dont even have anybody to be mean about, no one really cares that much, no one really checks on how i was, i mean no one really cares about me maybe thats why im kind because i dont even have a reason to be bad or anything now that you entered my life, im kinda regretting how i even showed up, because now i have a reason to be the mean person, the one who over protects myself because of my past traumas.
I mean theres more reason why i liked you, the way you respond to my questions, to my humor, to how you acted in real life and speak about your experiences, the way you hide or show yourself in our conversations, and man the way you appreciate my feelings and imaginations, nobody ever did that until i know how to give that to people nobody reacted the way you did and the way i give that much about me i dont do that anymore, i cant see anyone who's ok with it or i being able to summon those imaginations,desires and feelings anymore.
And maybe there was more that i cant just recall by the time of writing but half of the things i mentioned was unexplored by anybody in my life. They didnt even reach that point. Its funny and saddening at the same time.
I dont know what will even happen if we ever become real friends in real life. I dont know what to do. I dont know what to feel, since im becoming different person every year of my life. I hold on to something more, more responsibilities, more things to consider, more emotions to carry and just being more even without anyone noticing.
Though i still feel like its relevant to question how can i even bring someone in my life.
Someone significant. Can my emotions handle that. Can my rationality handle that. Those two always fight for space and almost always one wins over the other. And im scared of being inconsistent as well as the other person. I feel terrified. I hope i dont carry this feelings anymore wherever i go but definitely these days, theyre more apparent and palpable that i cant ignore it anymore thats why im writing a bulk of it down. I feel a little better now but it just feels like a sigh of relieve than any permanent solution.