Sighs, this is going to be aggressive.
but you know what, maybe the power outage and lots of reflection bought me back to you.
i also had a good chunk of clarity this morning since i wrote down what i should do in the paper and released most of what i needed to do, now its a lot clearer - what i need to do.
you know what, i downloaded my entire spotify playlist and most or many of it was songs that i blasted and sung while were in there. idk i just want to mention that since listening to the songs amplified my reflection.
maybe someday youll read this.
im not writing this because i feel too strongly about you. its just a matter of situation. i want to write this instead of writing to someone from slowly. i dont know youre the outlet this time and since it was a very reflective period yesterday and today this afternoon. i thought why not talk about you since its weighting on me for forever what i want to say.
you know you might have helped me in some unexplicit ways you know.
there might be a lot and i dont know if i can mention all of them. but sure to be rational you did helped me in some ways, not the ways people expects when theyre in a relationship or something. tho to be honest were not in a relationship alright. never think that.
i want you to really think about why youre here, why did you do all of the things that you did.
like why?
your emotions?your desire to connect? family's expectation? your body? your mind? your greed, selfishness or loneliness what is it?
perhaps its all of that or more?
sighs, sometimes i wish you can be discerning.
if you can just be specific on what made you to act the way you did then maybe ill feel less threatened and uncertain.
you dont even have a plan or vision for anything about that matter.
im not sure of that, but youre not type of person to have that from what youve shown.
it just seems youre very impulsive. very emotional yet you dont have a good grasp of everything, you just feel them. that makes you very scary.
one second youre this person now you can be completely different since you just dont know.
i dont want vague answers i want you to be precise to what you say and how you show up.
and i hate to say this but there was a lot more dynamics that you might not thought of would affect your future relationship/s.
i know how youll want to wing stuff i just feel it like youre that person, you dont have a grand plan or anything do you? your plans can be counted with your fingers dont ya? and you dont want a rigid routine rather you just want too do anything according to how you feel at any given moment.
if this sounds true for you.
maybe you should rethink all your actions next time because youre very inconsiderate. if youre fooling around with me just to feel something man you choose the wrong person because i wont be that person you can fool around.
i have so many on my shoulder and you would just be another weight on my back you careless person.
you think everything is fun and games dont you? to see everything as simple as they are with your naked eyes? mannnnnn i fucking hate you.
but not to be too assumptious but thats what i felt with your energy.
ahhhhhhh, i dont really know what to think. but in order for you to even be a close friend you have to go to the same struggle with me, you cant be in any of that ahhhhhhhhhh and i dont know youve really never been in a similar struggle as mines have ya? and youre never there when im struggling.
and who said you want to be a close friend right? right.
sighs if you want something more than that, then youre just stupid.
but
i took a pause. and remembered how i talk and behaved before.
it was stupid for me as well alright.
you see if its not for my instincts then were both have messed up already.
lots of things couldnt have happened.
and you know what ill fucking beat you, if i know that the stuff that had happened now wouldnt happen because i chosed you and go on a journey with you which you know i reckon as being worse than any decision i could make. it would just be something i would do out of desperation and hopelessness its worse than feeling suicidal alright thats how risky it was going with you.
you thought that was simple huh.
something you can just pass by as a fling or something.
just exploring and curious.
fuck those words makes me angry in this context.
if that has ever come across your mind or mouth. rest assured that were great opponent automatically.
man just thinking how you thought of this and your feelings makes me feel really bad.
but why did we even go this far.
why cant i let go of this thoughts.
lucky for me i just hate open endings.
sighs, i know maybe youre reading this and thinking that some of what i said was untrue and stuff and youre contradicting me in your head or maybe not but whatever it is.
i hope that someday we can finally have our peace. i wont entirely blame you for creating and starting this story because it was partly my participation.
maybe it was just me continuing this story maybe you had moved on, maybe this is truly just one sided and i had made everything up, idk i never had a proof of anything regarding this, could you blame me? im too scared to find out.
knowing everything from hindsight just letting you know that were too different to fit on a story that someone like you wouldve anticipated.