This is my only entry for novemeber and im writing this at the last day and last hours of novemeber.
I cant fathom what happened this month and how am i in the last day already. This month felt quick and sneaky.
Maybe due to the problems weve had this month. They make the time swift, like a wind blowing a leaf to the air.
Financial stability felt the same way; its lightweight.
Im not kidding about how many times i caught mom crying or teary eyed because we have nothing to eat and that the promise of a better tomorrow is too dark to see.
For a while I tried intervening, i searched for ways to maybe get our household situation straight but later find that the remaining capital cycle was too small to start a business in today's economy.
I just let it continue and told myself and my family that they can rely on the app, and the business behind it. It calmed the storm a bit but of course it doesnt eliminate it.
On November 23 I finally started the 14 days countdown before proceeding with production stage for applying. It was its 7th day today.
I just found that out that play store apps are required to go through that 14 days of closed testing. I thought when i apply it would just take a day to week(s) depending on the availability of reviewers and complexity of the app. But i guess that was right but for that production review stage not this initial stage. And well i guess it saved me sometime to rethink and improve the app, i couldnt be more thankful for it actually. My family was rushing even me.
Thats all i can think of what i did this month. I mustve focused on some critical features of the app and security, but failed on security sooooo much even today, now that im writing this. Theres freaking vulnerability in the app. Its a lot. Even its already compromised. I couldnt bring my laptop to debug since it cant handle that.
I really freaking hate how things are turning up so far. I tried learning how to eject from expo or just rebuild the whole thing up without expo just react and compile it inside codespace but thought that would be too much, and I have no time.
I know it sounds pitiful when i compare what i did this month compared to last month. But this month i mustve secured a better first impression for the app and gotten more serious because of all our financial struggle. I remember when i uploaded the inital close testing app and stuff, I was in trenches of worries, i still am, but for once I pushed myself to not eat until 2am because i was fixing something and i cant let it slide without fixing it that day, i want this to be finished the day i want to. I said but i still fail. I keep failing. Thats why to this day, with full certainty I know im going to keep failing but I wont stop. Only when i stop that failure is decided.
And of all of that, Im still uncertain of the outcome. I freaking dislike uncertainty and anything thats unpredictable.
Dont even think; thats what made life so worthy for exploration and uncertainty is what keeps it fun.
I know. BUT. On things that cause serious implications like moving because we have no money to keep paying the bill or rent. I heard it said. Mom even ask me if i like to live in the province. Of course not. This city is where i could thrive, where i can test my ideas and maybe meet ambitious people. So to me to be honest environment really matters in my situation so thats one thing i was worried but have more if youd ask.
sighs, so many worries, hopes, doubts and fears this month.
i didnt see any break. i kept moving this month without a break and im sad that after all of this none is guaranteed, and for all i know the risk for failure is higher than success no matter what i do in my situation. it suckkkssssssss.
i hope we see each other, in a better light in my next post.
i hope i can see for myself the personal development, my progress in life, the things to be grateful for that i forgot to mention, the things that i ignored that played a part. Maybe I can share them to someone someday. There isnt a lot of stories where people share their uncertainties but i know many people go through it everyday. So if we made it someday, this long story might be a comforting hum in someones mind.
So to me whos going through blinding struggles right now and to everyone.
Lets stay strong, keep your head forward, and dont lose sight on your goal.
see you next time friend.